Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
