i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
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...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
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My dad just said "fuck circus"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize