Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
