Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
