Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Come see our sink grown plant.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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