We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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