Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
