i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
