New low: just hacked my moms facebook
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
