Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
