you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
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he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
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If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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