I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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