yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
