Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
