I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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