Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
