if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
