I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
