I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
