At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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