I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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