There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
