Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
