he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
