I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
