sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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