I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
