you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
