someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
