i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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