I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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