No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
