I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
