We won't sleep together?
there's paper in my vomit.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
