Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
