Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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