i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
