she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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