i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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