quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Well I just put wine in my tea
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
