one two three fourrrrnication!
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
