I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize
