I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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