I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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