he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
