Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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