Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
be right there i have to get my cape
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
