I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
