haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
