i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
