I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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