I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
