there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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