every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
