I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
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I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
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Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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