I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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