he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
