A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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