I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
