I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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