hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.