he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Randomize
